We have waited far too long. There is so much to be done and time is short.
It whispers in my ear, its tone attempting a soothing kindness but its tightly strung tautness is a poison. The insidious nature of its words lie in their honesty. I listened as it begged me no to leave for each of the three days past. We are not ready, prepare for today. I had agreed with those words until the sudden shift in its demeanour startled me from my sleep.
Sometimes I think that it truly wishes to protect me. When it urges for me to stay, it seems the one that truly fears the world outside. I do not know what it is, where it came from, or what it wants. It is a dark creature, filled with cold fire and lined with slick claws and I have held it for as long as I can remember, though I suspect it was not always here.
It is early still, I have time. It distracts me with its whispers and tricks me out of what time I have. I had planned, made a list of goals for the day. I always do before the time comes. It woke before me this morning, its cold heat flares. It remember something I had forgotten, a chore left undone. I’m so tired. How many times has it woken me before I’m rested? More than I can count. The creature knows me just as I know myself. It is familiar with my habits, it knows I will let the day slip away if it lets me. So it pushes me, prods me. With strained voice it reminds me. Hours have passed. Get out of bed, we are running out of time.
I know. But I am tired. Let me do this one thing first, when its done I’ll be rested and ready.
I hate feeling rushed. Its like vertigo. That feeling you get when you look down from a great height. Jump. It always whispers. That is how it feels to be on a schedule. A deadline rushing towards you like the blackness of the pit. God, I know what I have to do, if I could have slept until I was rested, or even had a moment to my thoughts without it whispering incessantly in my ear I would have the energy to do it!
I listen to it. It will give me no peace until I do. We have lingered too long, there is no time for for or shower. They will wait until afterwards. Its right. I go. The walk can be relaxing, but today is too bright, too loud. My body objects with exhaustion and hunger. I feel dirty. I must look disgusting to the people who see me. I keep my head down and my music loud.
Its barbs dig into me as it constricts around me, startled by something. We forgot. We started last night, we said we’d do it this morning. We will have to start over from the beginning. My heard drops like a stone. It’s right, of course. I’d left it too late last night, I’d put it off with the setting of the sun but with sleep it had been replaced in my mind. I want to cry, but no such relief. My emotions don’t work that way. It constricts tighter like a hug, sensing my angst it whispers sweet words in my ear but I only feel its barbs.
It is scared of other people. It wails and whimpers, it’s icy hot body radiating into me, distracting me from the polite small talk across the register. The server is familiar, he always smiles and recognises me when I shop. –Please!- Its cry drowns out something. I think the server complimented my shirt. I freeze up at the unexpected comment, not knowing how to respond. Whatever I said felt wrong and I hurry away, hot with embarrassment. Why did we say that? They all heard us and looked at us!
Shut up. I wish it wouldn’t. It lingers on mistakes, it will repeat the conversation over and over again, between criticising how much I spent. We have to save more! They already own a house at your age! And worrying about my weight and what I eat. We are putting on weight, they will think we are ugly.
I’m so tired when I get home. Sweaty and hot, I just want want to curl up in bed and rest. Its heart beat and mine do not match, the syncopatic rhythm makes me feel unwell. It frets loudly over what still is undone. I close my eyes for a moment, my weariness growing from the energy it expends. Mentally I make a list of what I have to do tomorrow. Good, we will catch up tomorrow.